Many years ago, I applied to become a pastor in the UMC. I ultimately was not accepted but while I was there, the first day and night affected me a lot. It has been a long time since I have thought about this night, but I was not in a good place. I felt lost. Very lost.
I originally didn't post this as it might be too much honesty, but since all of that is behind me, maybe my thoughts are similar to yours. Maybe they can help you.
So, I am sitting here in my room at the Residence Inn in Worthington Ohio. It is the end of the first day, and my last night here, of the Candidacy Summit and I should be sleeping in preparation of the next day. Today I met four very wonderful people, whom I hope will be in my life, in some way, many years to the future. My mentor as I go forward through the many steps in wherever my path is heading, and three other candidates who are also going through these steps.
We are all in the same boat, we love God, we want to do what he wants us to do and are throwing ourselves into this. Yet, I feel that if this were a cruise ship, I would be in those tiny rooms with no windows and barely enough room to change clothes and they would have a balcony room. And I am sitting here feeling discouraged.
I hear their stories, how God has done something for them, and I don't have something like that. My mother has her turned over leaves, they have something, and I have, "I said God wanted me to be a pastor, and I ignored it." Not an exciting story. I know that my story is good, that there are those who have "exciting" stories wish they had something like mine. But here is the thing, I have never doubted God existed, never doubted he did stuff for me, but I don't have anything to tell.
I was told I needed to expand on my story, and I do get that, it was three paragraphs, but I managed to put "God said be a pastor, I ignored it." into a three-paragraph story. I think I did pretty good. But that is fine, I need to do that anyways, I knew it wasn't enough. But I kind of saw it as the story of my call on my life. I didn't see any big need for extra detail about my life.
I feel like people take more serious the ones with stories to show how flawed they were, and Jesus still can use them and indeed show His power in everyday life. But I question myself and why God would choose me. What do I have that can help anyone? I haven't had addictions, a bad family, a hard life or anything that people can inspire others with. Why does he want me here when all I want to do is live in the woods with my 3d printers and high-speed internet. God, why me?
My parents are telling me to stay strong, keep going and don't be discouraged. But it's hard when you feel like a fraud, like a fish out of water hopelessly flailing around never to get to water again.
Drowning in the nothingness.
But I guess that is any big steps. The feeling of being lost. And it is bringing to light failures in my walk with God. I believe, but where is the proof of my faith, what are the fruits. Is God going to cut me down because I haven't born fruit?
What mission am I supposed to complete. Where is he putting my talents to work and why is he so silent? Is it me that is too loud? You can ask anyone in my class, I'm not particularly loud. God is using these people in my class already, but when I am asked, I have no response. I feel so lost.
Lord, help me and put me where I need to be. Help me to be more loving and caring. Move me further into the sea but hold my head above the waters so I can still see you. Lord, help me. Here I am.
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