I often lay awake at night, just as many people do. Thoughts begin to flow through my head as soon as the light shuts off. Things I need to do the next day, things that are bothering me. Thoughts about money, about the future. Things that are so far out of my control yet I still worry and feel sick. I run through what might happen, what I might do, but it is of of little use because I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep.
I think it is normal for us to think when the lights go off. A few reasons I can think of, like when before we were settled, when we lived under the stars in the dark with only a fire to keep darkness at bay, we had to be aware of things in the dark, things that could see us better than we could see them. The first fear of the dark. But also, it is a time when we are alone. Not all darkness are we alone, but when we are safe, in the dark, even if we are lying next to a loved one, we are alone in our heads. Sometimes I think our brains are scared to be alone, so they do what they can to not feel that way.
I like to pray when the thoughts are overwhelming. What I usually do is this, I run on and on with thoughts I cannot do anything with, then I start praying. This usually only lasts a few seconds at first, I begin talking to God, and trying to get out the thought, but then it comes back and I realize I am fighting with the thought again and not praying. Then I pray and try harder to keep my mind there with God until I fall asleep. I like the feeling, it makes me think that I am actually falling asleep with God's arms wrapped around me.
Sometimes though, as tonight as I write this, I hear a small voice talking to me. Maybe it asks me to read a bible verse, or see what the daily verse is. Sometimes it makes me think about the problems I am having, and how many more people are having them, and I can maybe give a small bit of hope to someone else who might be having the same issue, but writing about how God is enough. Tonight it was to read the lectionary. Two readings really stuck out at me, but I am going to only look at one right now: Matthew 10: 24-39“Therefore, don’t be afraid of them, since there is nothing covered that won’t be uncovered and nothing hidden that won’t be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the light. What you hear in a whisper, proclaim on the housetops. Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s consent. But even the hairs of your head have all been counted. So don’t be afraid therefore; you are worth more than many sparrows.The thing that struck me the most here was verse 27, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the light. What you hear in a whisper, proclaim on the housetops." Sometimes as we lay awake in the dark, staring at a ceiling we can barely see (well I can't because I don't sleep with glasses on), worrying and yelling so loud that we drown out the whispers of God. We let fear of what might happen in the future creep in.
So often, for me, I get going on a thought, like mentioned above, about a problem, or something I noticed, or feel there is a fissure in what Christ wants us to be doing, and what we are doing. I have even talked to myself complete blogs that haven't and probably won't (because I have forgotten them) see the light of day. I didn't want to get out of the comfort of my bed to make notes, and I failed to listen to Jesus when he told us to "...Speak in the light."
Sometimes there is a lot of good in the darkness. As our brains are shutting down for the night, our walls that we put up daily, begin to come down. Walls that we use to block out God, so that we can do things our own way in the light. Walls that keep us from talking about Him to our coworkers, walls to hide ourselves from people who might want to harm us because we are followers of Christ. But once those walls are down, we can finally hear Jesus whisper to us. Telling us to jump headfirst into the sea. Telling us to write a blog, because we often complain that we have a hard time coming up with them... Wait that last one might just be me. God speaks in the darkness and he speaks in the light. God is speaking now, because he is always at work doing new things.
We fear living because we fear death. We fear sharing because we fear men. Yet shouldn't we fear of the one that created us and can destroy us? Shouldn't we fear not doing what He wants because we wall ourselves into a safe cave in our heads? Maybe it is time to step back into the light, back into the fire, and not be afraid of what might come, or what might never come, because we have a God who is near. A God who is in control. A God who is. God is doing new things right now, and maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who get to experience that new thing first.
