Belong?

Where do I belong? I find myself asking this question a lot. Usually it involves a round of depression and a rather large pit of loneliness. Often times anger and even some hate push their way in while I sit back trying to figure out where I belong in this world. I know I belong to Jesus. I know Jesus is enough for me. I know he is all I really need, and if I give all of me to him, He will provide for me. Maybe I am not a very good Christian but I wish Jesus was really enough for me. I wish I was content with Him being my all.

I love Jesus. I believe every word He said, but with all my belief and trust, I still feel like there is something missing in my life. Love is missing. The feeling of someones touch, their companionship, feeling the same love I have for them directed back at me. Maybe this is shallow or something, but I need something physical. God is good but until he comes back or I die, I will not have a physical relationship with him.

I do know this lack of belonging is mostly my fault. I do not put myself out there. Out there I can get hurt, I am uncomfortable, I am nervous, and I do not like it. In here I am comfortable, safe, and at peace. I love it in here. But in truth, I do not love it. It is so very lonely in here. I know many people feel this way, friends have come to me and expressed much of the same feelings I am expressing here. This is not a uncommon feeling. Sadly because how distant and separate Christians have become from everyone else, I really think this is a common feeling amongst Christians.

Where do I belong? I do not know. There is a growing part of me that feels like I do not belong at work. Though I like all the people I work with, it is hard for me to feel I belong because I am not the same as the people there. I do not get into the same things, do not get excited by the same things, and as such, I always feel like I am an outsider amongst my friends. There is some jealousy that also hurts my feelings of belonging at work. Nothing is more destructive to a persons feelings than jealousy, especially when it is linked to a lack of belonging.

I also do not feel like I belong at church. There does not seem to be much for me there. The churches are very far and work has me working most nights, so me going to any of the things outside of Sunday morning is unlikely. They would like me to help with the new programs and things they do, but in reality, if I was to start inviting friends to do stuff, with the ultimate goal of building relationships and bringing them to church, I would not take them to either church. Even with me driving them each Sunday, it would not work well with the distance.

Picture from here.

So the two biggest parts of my life, I do not feel like I belong at either. So where do I belong or should I ask, where can I belong. I honestly wish I knew the answer. There was part of me wishing that as I wrote this, something magical would happen and I would, all of a sudden, have a revelation and know exactly where I fit this oddly shaped world. Part of me is sad nothing did happen. Normally as I write, I find something to turn this around, and lighten my heart. This is not one of those posts.

In the end, while I struggle to belong, I am left with Jesus. I need to continue my walk and get ever closer to him and let him put me where I belong. I guess there are times when all I can do is suffer and pray. I will pray that God use this to strengthen me and get me to where he wants me to be. Right now it is a desire to belong anywhere, but someday this will become the feeling of joy and happiness when I am where I belong.  I hope the day is not far off. There is a part of me that wishes it was just over, so I did not have to wait any longer, but waiting is what I will do. I guess for now, I will occupy my heart with Jesus, and my few friends that do get me, while keeping my mind occupied with video games, books and whatever else I can. Maybe find a new hobby/past time, who knows? Maybe even go back to school? Where do I belong?

The Forgotten Center

It was one year ago this Easter Sunday that I had a bit of a breakdown and God had to remind me of some simple truths. That Sunday I was angry I had to get up so early to drive so far for a service I didn't want to go to. I was angry at the church, my parents, my mother's car, you name it I was probably mad at it.

The truth is I forgot. I forgot a great many things that morning. First, I forgot that Easter morning and the Son Rise service aren't for me. I forgot that others had feelings, so when my yelling and angry words came out of my mouth, they stung and hurt. I forgot that I am not the center of the universe. I forgot I did not create a thing in all my 30 years of life. I forgot that despite my anger, which I allowed to have free reign, I am nothing at all.

It took a few well placed thoughts, a suggestion, and a bathroom break to remind me, I am not God. God had to remind me of all the things he did for me. He loved me even though I cursed him. He died for me even though said I hated him. He rose from the dead for me even though I didn't want to live. He loved me so much more than I could ever have, even on my best days, ever love back.

He had to remind me of these things, which he did, by hitting me on the head. Good thing he made my skull thick. He asked me, "Why are you crying?" I told him I was angry, I hate everyone and everything, and sometimes I don't believe he is real despite all the things he has done for me. That all I feel is anger in my heart and hate in my mind.

Then Jesus reminded me by saying "Brian, it's me." Then I remembered who he was. This was Jesus, the man who somehow managed to save a sinner like me. Thing is, he did it easily, freely, and does it over and over because he loves every bit that is me.

This is something I struggle to keep in my head and heart. Jesus is for me. He longs for me, he looks after me even when I try to hide. Jesus loves me all the time, every day. Though I was tired, Jesus never stops and takes a break from trying to give me everything I could ever need.

Very often in our lives we forget the basics, we fill our heads with theology of creation or how to be baptized, yet we forget to leave room for Jesus in the middle. If Jesus is not the center of everything, everything will fall. If Jesus isn't put first, then all of our tryings will end before they get started. If the church forgets Jesus even though they still try and show people they know the man they misplaced, their best laid plans crumble into nothing.

I forgot these things. I forgot Jesus is the center, Jesus is the Creator, He is the Word, He is the Truth. It is easy to forget when you fill your head with junk. I work every day, and to be honest, some days I fail, others I only mange to do OK while others I do good, to keep Jesus centered and first in my life. I hope I never have another Easter filled with anger and hate like the one last year, so I will keep Jesus every day in my heart and mind. Everyday, is Easter with Jesus as your center.