A Bit More Serious

Sometimes I wonder what it is in my head that is so messed up, that even with all the grace God has given me, I still feel broken, unwanted and a bit of just a waste of life. It is not that I do not love myself, I like who I am. Sure, I am not happy with all of it, like being overweight, but that is something I can fix at another time. No I mean there is a part of me that feels empty. 

I have suffered from depression for years now. I never know why or when it is going to come around again, but I hate it when it does. I find I can often keep it at bay for a good long while by actively seeking God in all things.

I never used to believe it, I mean I knew it was possible because with God, all things are, when I heard people say "Seek God with all you are and he will be all you need." How could an immaterial being like God fulfill my my physical needs? How could God, whom I love with my whole soul, ever fill that void of loneliness? 

I have been single for a while, and most of the time I have been OK with it. But when I feel lonely and... all those various feelings that people get when they are alone, you know what I am talking about, there is nearly nothing I can do to stop the pain I feel inside. 

But here is the thing, and it is exactly what I never believed. God can make all those things feel better, he can dry the tears from your heart, hold you tight till the shaking stops, and lets you know that you are never alone and he is only a willing word away. He is amazing that way. 

Another way to look at it is the God of the whole universe, the one who created everything, set the laws of physics to work, crafted every proton  neutron, and electron to do exactly what they needed to do, He spun an untold number of stars, and molded countless planets for which his creation can live and enjoy everything. He did all this, and so much more, yet still loves me enough to give me a hug when I am down. 

When I started writing this, I was feeling very sad, I wanted to cry for several reasons. The depression came at me harder than it has in a while, and then I found out my good friend's, who we will call Naib, brother committed suicide two nights ago. Naib recently lost his mother and now his brother. Thinking about it makes me sad. I want to go over there, see Naib face to face, and tell him, things will get better.

I don't think things will ever be OK after an event like this. But things will be better than they are now. I want to be there for him and his family because they are my family as well. I want them to know that God is with them, every painful step of the way. But for now, I can only give my prayers and my written condolences. 

All this, the depression and the death... it is hard to want to keep going. There has been a part in me that often just wishes it would end. That God will come back tomorrow, so we do not have to keep going on. It is the keeping going that is hard. But I thank God he has given me the chance to keep going. I am strong because God is with me.

It is hard to picture, but God really is enough. That sounds like I am saying I am surprised that God could do this. No, just the opposite. If I am surprised by God at all, it is that he is willing to do this for me. I am more surprised that I can let him in and heal me. My pride as a man and as a human being wants to never be so weak as to have to rely on someone else, let alone someone I can't even see. But, I am so very glad that pride has been beaten back by faith.

I guess there isn't something in my head that is messed up. I am broken, I am unwanted, and that is OK. Because I have God. As I wrote this last bit, a song came on by the band Audio Adrenaline. I am going to share the lyrics with you. The song made me smile, gave me an audio cue from God, that it will be OK, no matter what I have to face. 

Underdog - Audio Adrenaline

I am so weak and I'm so tired
It's hard for me to
Find enough strength to feed the fires
That fuel my ego
And consequently all my pride has all but died
Which leaves me
Down on my knees
Back to the place I
Should have started from

[Chorus:]
Been beat up
Been broken down
Nowhere but up
When you're facedown
On the ground
I'm in last place
If I place at all
But there's hope for this underdog!
That's the way, uh-huh, we like it!
That's the way, uh-huh, we like it!
You can call me the underdog

I'm in this race to win a prize
The odds against me
The world has plans for my demise
What they don't see
Is that a winner is not judged by his small size
But by the substitute he picks to run the race
And mine's already won

[Chorus]

(Underdog.)
(I wince everytime I say the word.)
(Especially in connection with Jesus.)
(Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus.)
I've been beat up
I've been broken down
(I can not help but conclude that although the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful.)
No where to go when you're face down on the ground.
I'm in last place
If a place at all.
(God, hallelujah in His mercy, is still on the side of the Underdog!)
But there's hope for this Underdog.
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way
That's the way Uh-huh we like it (uh-huh uh-huh)
That's the way
Uh-huh we like it.
We like it.