Night is a Cruel Mistress

Today while I was sitting in church waiting to take communion, I felt God touch me. It wasn't a more than a little pang in my heart. I have been struggling with the drama that I mentioned before. Every time I think it's over, it comes back again. It's like a pain, a thorn in my foot. Today God reminded me he is working. It is his plan, and we are to fill the parts of his story he would like us to fill. So when my drama stuff begins to get in the way of my worship of him, there is stuff that needs to be fixed.

I feel the effects of the drama at night. So many nights are spent in a discomfort and sadness at the loss of friends, hopes of that perfect girl for me, and a loneliness that goes beyond them all. But it is God who has and always will be there for me and can calm even my over active brain from its horrible thinking.

I have a friend, she is a beautiful young lady who struggles through the same things as me. We usually seem to do it at different times, which is great because the other can cheer the other up. Tonight I was talking to her about this very stuff. And while I was talking to her I found a way to sum up the problems so many people have.

Our brains are our worst enemies. Our brains begin to think, not on what we want them to, but on the things that we do not have and each time we do it the same way, first we are happy, then we see someone we think is happier than us, then we get sad because we want to be happy like them too. At least that is the way it is in my head, and the order of my thought processes. Then I remember just because they have what I want doesn't mean they are happier in anyway. They have what they have, they may be breaking on the inside like I am over something they see me with. And I try to keep in my head that in the end, whatever I am waiting for will be even better when it does happen, in God's time.

The Bible even talks about things at night.

"For you are all sons of light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or the darkness. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night." 1 Thessalonians 5:5, 7

"Let us walk with decency, as in the daylight: not in carousing and drunkenness; not in sexual impurity and promiscuity; not in quarreling and jealousy." Romans 13:13

 And others. It talks about the things we do in the dark, and warns against them. Many times in this world, one of those things is porn. With computers in every room, and in our hands and pockets all day long, it is easy to let the darkness creep in and succumb to the temptation of it. Even happily married people can fall prey to porn.

In my case, and the case of my friend, we talked farther, and broke it down even more. It is a jealousy that builds up at seeing what others have and wishing for it for oursleves. This jealousy is what drives the depression into a sadness and bitterness.

As I quoted above, the Bible talks about all the stuff we do in the dark, but if its not sexual impurity, drunkenness, or some other vice, people like me and like her, we have our minds that mess it all up. Even if we don't think about it, it is us doubting God at work. But as the song says,

"The only thing that comforts me, when I watch the world breaking, That in spite of the stillness, God your still moving." Quiet Science

He is always moving, working and building everything even better than even our dreams could do. I say it a lot, but it is ever so true, we need to keep our eyes on Jesus, our minds focused on God, and our hearts filled with the Holy Spirit, if we ever want to beat depression and other wrong thinkings that we do. 

The night is full of silence, and the silences in our head are louder than all the noise of the world. They are mighty and wicked storms smashing at our minds. There are many types of silences in the storms, but there is always God who can fill the silences with peace. The quiet empty will be filled with the love of a God so great, so mighty, he measures the universe in his hand. 

Some parts of this wonderful universe have it right. They are working for God, instead of trying to fight Him like us. The Bible tells us:

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky proclaims the work of His hands.
Day after day they pour out speech;
night after night they communicate knowledge.
There is no speech; there are no words;
their voice is not heard.
Their message has gone out to all the earth,
and their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens He has pitched a tent for the sun."

Psalms 19:1-4

 Maybe we should take a cue from the stars, maybe when that night comes and we find ourselves in that darkness and lost in the thoughts of ourselves, maybe we should turn around and sing with the stars, add our voices to the amazing symphony God already has playing in the background. We worship a God who has his own score playing every second of every day in this story of him. Praise Him.