Blessed be my Pain and Depression.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

These are the lyrics to Matt Redman's song Blessed be Your Name. It has been around for a bit, but today it touched me more than it has ever before.

The past weekend I spent in a lay servant training class. For those not in the Methodist church, the lay servant classes and the lay speaking part of it is training for people who are leaders in the church, whether they are teachers of a class or hope to someday fill the pulpit for a pastor. It was a basic class and I was rather bored and uninterested in the class. I thought I would be excited and it would be kinda right up my alley, but I just didn't get into it, much to my loss.

What I did get from the class was self hate, hopelessness, anger, and discouragement. This should no way reflect the teachers or other people in the class, all of them were  actually really great people with hearts full of love, something I feel so many Christians lack. No, this was all about me. And that is what caused the problems in the first place. My own selfishness.

My selfishness turned into more anger and hate and eventually pulled jealousy into the mix as well. All of these feelings mixed with my social anxiety and discomfort around strangers turned me into one big depressed and angry person. I found myself mad at God, mad at myself for not being more and mad at my friends for just being my friend. Then I brought my self anger and hate and my depression into World of Warcraft and into my guild. I felt myself putting up spikes to impale my guild mates in anyway I could.

Finally I broke down and talked to my best friends in the game, Nickels and Luna. What I shared with them I will not go into details here, but I was at the bottom, lying flat on the ground of a cavernous hole. Talking to them helped a little, it helps to let it out. Then I got a text from my friend Tox. She has been so close and dear as a friend for the past few years, and she quickly pointed out how much God still loved me, how my friends do, how she does, and how God never left me.

My anger at God was fading some, as I know all of her words, and all the words of my other friends to be true, but there was a big part of me that felt I was too broken for God to care, or even be able to fix. This was not true, and I began to feel him working by the time I crawled into bed. But I was still not happy.

I grudgingly went to church today, then I did my best not to fall asleep during the service. We sang a few songs, the above being one of them, and I felt a little pull inside. Then my battle against the sleep began to win out, and I soon found the service over and me being late on a few slides.

We went to the second church and I didn't fall asleep this time. We got to the song and I felt the tug again. Then we got to the italicized part above, I felt something begin to unwind, like a piece of yarn being pulled out of a knitting. "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name." 

I asked God, as I felt a small tear on the corner of my eye, "How can I praise you when all I feel is darkness? How do I turn my anger, my hate, all of my depression, into a praise song for you?" I was lost on what to do. So I sang the chorus of the song with the church. "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be the name, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name!" 

We also read from Romans 5, again the Lord was telling me to simply praise him. Romans 5 3-5 says:

"And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

So I still find myself sad, disappointed in myself, and still feel the depression inside me. But now there is a song, then will come another song, then another until "All is as it should be." I am not out of it yet, it is still a struggle and I still need the support of my friends, family and God and now I am pulling up on the arms of my God. His arms are Nickels, Tox, Luna. His voice is the music that has been stuck in my head since church and the words my friends used to try and help me.

I wish I could go back to that class, be a lot less of asshole me and more of the me God loved so much that he gave his only Son for me. I sit and type this, depressed and lonely, but loved and not condemned. And each paragraph of this blog, I have felt more and more of the tapestry unwind within me. It will take a bit, but I know and am trying my best to embrace God through it all. 

I guess I can answer my questions from above, "How can I praise?" It is as hard as just doing it. There is nothing easy about it, but you just have to do it. Pick a hymn, pick a pop song, whatever it is that you sing when you praise God, sing it with all you are and sing it with every bit of that hate, anger, depression, guilt, pride, or selfishness in you. Sing it until even your dog tries to cover its ears. Blessed be Your name, when I am filled with suffering, when the whole world looks down on me, blessed be Your name!

Uncanny Valley

In video game, as well as robotics and movies, we have a thing called the Uncanny Valley. For those who don't know what it is, it is a hypothesis that says that when human features look and move almost, but not exactly, like real humans, it causes people to feel revulsion. For example, when we see robots or video games that get close to that valley, we feel for them and care about them, then they go into the valley we hate them, and feel that revulsion from them. When they get even closer to the point of being near indistinguishable from a human, we feel positive emotions toward them.

It is a weird event that happens in our minds. I like to look at it like this, we go from, oh that looks good, that's cute, that is even better, to that looks creepy, what is that thing, wow that is going to give me nightmares. Then we swing back the other way and say it looks great. Some of the most advanced robots have began climbing the far side of the valley wall.

As technology grows, eventually we will pass past this valley and have androids and robotic body replacements that look and feel as real and act as real as you or me. But that is for many years down the road.

An example of the Uncanny Valley in the animation of our movies.

Sometimes there is another uncanny valley that Christians need to get over. It is a valley of selfishness. Uncanny is defined as strange or mysterious, especially in an unsettling way. In the Christian Uncanny Valley, our selfishness very often makes us do things in an unsettling way. I don't know about you, but some of the things I do because of selfishness can be rather strange and mysterious to me. I look at the things I do, and are left wondering why did I do that, that isn't me.

And much in the same way as we push ourselves, and God lifts us, out of the valley, out of the selfishness, things begin to get pleasant again. Things become more clear, more full of what we hold dear. But most of all, on the other side of that valley is God in all his greatness, waiting to set things right.

There is an old hymn called "They Will Know We are Christians by Our Love." But what the world sees now, is not what anyone would call love. They see selfishness and hate. It is just like how people are repulsed by what nearly looks human, but isn't quite right. People see Christians as almost normal people who are unpleasant and undesirable to have around. We move almost like them, but there is just something that is off. A better hymn by name alone would be called, "they will know we are Christians by our hate and selfishness." It makes me sad that is how we are seen.

But the thing is, God is on the other side, waiting to get out of that selfish valley, and being us closer to what he always wanted us to be. I feel the people looking at us from the outside also wish we would be more human. I know I often find myself wondering why I should care about the people in so and so place. But I quickly realize how horrible that is and try my best to get that thought out of my head and get God back in there.

Over and over I say this but, we have to keep our eyes on Christ and run for all we have. With Christ as our focus, we can put that love in the front, we can show people how great our God is. Our job is not to show people how they are wrong, how horrible they are, or only being nice to people who deserve it. Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.

I believe the time for Christians to pass over the far edge of our uncanny valley is close. Maybe even closer than it is in 3D animation and robotics. I hope that Christians can get back to mirroring the love that Christ gave us. God gave his love to us before we could ever love him back so we could love him back for the rest of time. So let's show the world that we are a people of love, a love so great that they will want to be part of it so they may join us in heaven singing songs of praise to our God.






I have recently come into the knowledge of another example of the uncanny valley. It is also one of the greatest questions in all of the knowledge of the human race. It is the uncanny valley of coffee. Below is the chart.

WHY?!