Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
These are the lyrics to Matt Redman's song Blessed be Your Name. It has been around for a bit, but today it touched me more than it has ever before.
The past weekend I spent in a lay servant training class. For those not in the Methodist church, the lay servant classes and the lay speaking part of it is training for people who are leaders in the church, whether they are teachers of a class or hope to someday fill the pulpit for a pastor. It was a basic class and I was rather bored and uninterested in the class. I thought I would be excited and it would be kinda right up my alley, but I just didn't get into it, much to my loss.
What I did get from the class was self hate, hopelessness, anger, and discouragement. This should no way reflect the teachers or other people in the class, all of them were actually really great people with hearts full of love, something I feel so many Christians lack. No, this was all about me. And that is what caused the problems in the first place. My own selfishness.
My selfishness turned into more anger and hate and eventually pulled jealousy into the mix as well. All of these feelings mixed with my social anxiety and discomfort around strangers turned me into one big depressed and angry person. I found myself mad at God, mad at myself for not being more and mad at my friends for just being my friend. Then I brought my self anger and hate and my depression into World of Warcraft and into my guild. I felt myself putting up spikes to impale my guild mates in anyway I could.
Finally I broke down and talked to my best friends in the game, Nickels and Luna. What I shared with them I will not go into details here, but I was at the bottom, lying flat on the ground of a cavernous hole. Talking to them helped a little, it helps to let it out. Then I got a text from my friend Tox. She has been so close and dear as a friend for the past few years, and she quickly pointed out how much God still loved me, how my friends do, how she does, and how God never left me.
My anger at God was fading some, as I know all of her words, and all the words of my other friends to be true, but there was a big part of me that felt I was too broken for God to care, or even be able to fix. This was not true, and I began to feel him working by the time I crawled into bed. But I was still not happy.
I grudgingly went to church today, then I did my best not to fall asleep during the service. We sang a few songs, the above being one of them, and I felt a little pull inside. Then my battle against the sleep began to win out, and I soon found the service over and me being late on a few slides.
We went to the second church and I didn't fall asleep this time. We got to the song and I felt the tug again. Then we got to the italicized part above, I felt something begin to unwind, like a piece of yarn being pulled out of a knitting. "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name."
I asked God, as I felt a small tear on the corner of my eye, "How can I praise you when all I feel is darkness? How do I turn my anger, my hate, all of my depression, into a praise song for you?" I was lost on what to do. So I sang the chorus of the song with the church. "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be the name, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be your glorious name!"
We also read from Romans 5, again the Lord was telling me to simply praise him. Romans 5 3-5 says:
"And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
So I still find myself sad, disappointed in myself, and still feel the depression inside me. But now there is a song, then will come another song, then another until "All is as it should be." I am not out of it yet, it is still a struggle and I still need the support of my friends, family and God and now I am pulling up on the arms of my God. His arms are Nickels, Tox, Luna. His voice is the music that has been stuck in my head since church and the words my friends used to try and help me.
I wish I could go back to that class, be a lot less of asshole me and more of the me God loved so much that he gave his only Son for me. I sit and type this, depressed and lonely, but loved and not condemned. And each paragraph of this blog, I have felt more and more of the tapestry unwind within me. It will take a bit, but I know and am trying my best to embrace God through it all.
I guess I can answer my questions from above, "How can I praise?" It is as hard as just doing it. There is nothing easy about it, but you just have to do it. Pick a hymn, pick a pop song, whatever it is that you sing when you praise God, sing it with all you are and sing it with every bit of that hate, anger, depression, guilt, pride, or selfishness in you. Sing it until even your dog tries to cover its ears. Blessed be Your name, when I am filled with suffering, when the whole world looks down on me, blessed be Your name!
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