I really have fought with the feeling of lonely for a very long time. One time a friend rudely asked me, "What the f*** is wrong with you, why are you always so angry?" It is a question I have often thought about. I think I would boil it down to lonely.
Did you know that even Jesus felt lonely? And his lonely was nothing like the lonely I feel. It was simply way more than I could ever imagine or be able to bear. He felt the ultimate lonely when even his Father turned away from him. Only once, to my knowledge, has God ever turned his face from anyone, and that man was his own son. So I think Jesus knows a thing or two about being lonely.
But it seems so often that in the hardest moments in life, when we are at our loneliest, most hurt, and suffering more, we find how great our God is. It really doesn't always seem fair that we need to hurt to realize that, but if you look at the human nature, when things are good, we depend only on ourselves, but when we run into trouble, we reach out to our friends, Romans and countrymen... wait...
I have been having a really hard time lately with my faith, with my life and with... well everything. I have been fighting so hard with the feeling that though God loves us, he doesn't care about me. I know this is not true, and I am trying to turn my life into being a real follower and being what he wants, but every turn I take, I feel more empty, more alone, and less loved. I have been feeling hopeless about my life and all I ever really seem to feel anymore is anger at everything. I am pushing my friends away, I am putting unneeded stress in their lives by this, and I just feel like I am going to break.
I recently took a weekend long class for church, if you know anything about the Methodist church, it was the lay servant classes. When I left there, I felt so horrible, I wanted to give up on anything that said it was Christian. I hated the name, I hated the people, and since then, I have felt nothing really but anger. I go into more details on this blog. Sure sometimes something else overshadows the anger, but it comes back again and again. I am not sure how much more I can take before I do end up breaking.
I want more than anything to feel wanted, needed and loved. But when I ask Jesus to love me, I feel he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I understand that this is false, and he wants me to be right next to him at all times. But how can I feel his love, when all I feel in me is anger. I want to let it go, but it holds on with an iron grip. Every time I think I have it pushed down, depression takes hold and eventually the anger rises back up.
Eventually I have no strength left, feel like I am about to die from the breaking, and I quickly try to hold on to anything that is good, in hopes that I will one day break free for good. I guess its kinda like the prison that Bane was in in The Dark Knight Rises. The light at the top of the hole gives me hope. But I guess that is what depression and anger is like the most, a big hole, and when we look up, there is Jesus standing there, with a ladder and smile. He looks down and says, "I never left. It was you who dug this hole. Come on and get out of there silly."
And then I come to this point in my blog writing and something in me feels better. There is a calm over the anger, a peace over the depression. There is however a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize how bad of a friend I have been, and how amazing my friends have been to me. They haven't given up on someone who more than deserves to be given up on. And then Jesus is right there, "See, I might not be able to hold you in my arms yet, but you better be sure I will send someone that can."
I feel better just writing this, maybe because my mind then focuses on Jesus, who I so often tend push to the back. I hope that I can keep Jesus in the front and center of my life. Because when he is there, there is peace and calm in every storm.
It is funny how Jesus shines brightest daily in the darkest parts of our life. Maybe that is why we are to die to ourselves daily to follow him. Because in that death, we are in darkness, and he is the only light that can kill it all for good. It makes sense that when we are at our most emotionally drained or physically broken state, we should reach out to the only person that knows exactly what you are feeling. I thank Jesus for all he has done and I hope I can be the man he knows I can become.
But it seems so often that in the hardest moments in life, when we are at our loneliest, most hurt, and suffering more, we find how great our God is. It really doesn't always seem fair that we need to hurt to realize that, but if you look at the human nature, when things are good, we depend only on ourselves, but when we run into trouble, we reach out to our friends, Romans and countrymen... wait...
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| Picture found here. |
I recently took a weekend long class for church, if you know anything about the Methodist church, it was the lay servant classes. When I left there, I felt so horrible, I wanted to give up on anything that said it was Christian. I hated the name, I hated the people, and since then, I have felt nothing really but anger. I go into more details on this blog. Sure sometimes something else overshadows the anger, but it comes back again and again. I am not sure how much more I can take before I do end up breaking.
I want more than anything to feel wanted, needed and loved. But when I ask Jesus to love me, I feel he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I understand that this is false, and he wants me to be right next to him at all times. But how can I feel his love, when all I feel in me is anger. I want to let it go, but it holds on with an iron grip. Every time I think I have it pushed down, depression takes hold and eventually the anger rises back up.
Eventually I have no strength left, feel like I am about to die from the breaking, and I quickly try to hold on to anything that is good, in hopes that I will one day break free for good. I guess its kinda like the prison that Bane was in in The Dark Knight Rises. The light at the top of the hole gives me hope. But I guess that is what depression and anger is like the most, a big hole, and when we look up, there is Jesus standing there, with a ladder and smile. He looks down and says, "I never left. It was you who dug this hole. Come on and get out of there silly."
And then I come to this point in my blog writing and something in me feels better. There is a calm over the anger, a peace over the depression. There is however a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize how bad of a friend I have been, and how amazing my friends have been to me. They haven't given up on someone who more than deserves to be given up on. And then Jesus is right there, "See, I might not be able to hold you in my arms yet, but you better be sure I will send someone that can."
I feel better just writing this, maybe because my mind then focuses on Jesus, who I so often tend push to the back. I hope that I can keep Jesus in the front and center of my life. Because when he is there, there is peace and calm in every storm.
It is funny how Jesus shines brightest daily in the darkest parts of our life. Maybe that is why we are to die to ourselves daily to follow him. Because in that death, we are in darkness, and he is the only light that can kill it all for good. It makes sense that when we are at our most emotionally drained or physically broken state, we should reach out to the only person that knows exactly what you are feeling. I thank Jesus for all he has done and I hope I can be the man he knows I can become.
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