Heart of a Graveyard

I have considered myself a gamer since I was a child. I only vaguely remember opening that first Nintendo on Christmas day and then falling in love with games. I had hopes and dreams from the time I could remember, that I would grow up to make games, and play games all the time. I think that is fairly normal for all kids. But as I got older, I found less time for games, and more time having to work, and those hopes and dreams ended in a pile of used games in my closet. Soon new things took their place like hopes and dreams of just having a life outside of games.

But all of that got me thinking about our hopes and dreams. Think of your biggest dream. What have you always wanted to be? Writer? Dancer? Pit Fighter? What happens if you never get the chance to be or do what you have always dreamt of being. I find it a rather depressing thought that when people die, all of our hopes and dreams end there. Well they do if you aren't a Christian. Hopes and dreams make up so much of us, that we they slowly define who we are.

Picture found from this blog

If you frequent my blog, you may have noticed that there is a very common theme in them. Firstly it is the importance of keeping Jesus in the center of our lives, and then it is dealing with, combating, and overcoming depression and anger. I have, as I have mentioned, wondered why I deal with so much anger and depression in my life, but maybe it is because my hopes and dreams are not lining up with the hopes and dreams Jesus has for me.

I think Jesus has many dreams for us, and they can only become reality if we let Jesus work in and through us. We can see a writers dreams when we read his/her book. We can see the dreams of the whole group of people who make games by playing that game. So many times in my life, those dreams turned into mine for a short time. I hated seeing the dream come to an end. Wouldn't it be cool if we never had to have our dreams die?

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

What if I told you we didn't have to? There is a band I love very much, they are called Demon Hunter. They have a new album out called Extremist, one of the songs on there is called Heart of a Graveyard. There is a line that was the seed for this blog, it says: "Tell me that your final home is not a shot in the dark, Tell me your hopes and dreams don't end in the heart of a graveyard." It seems a pretty profound thought to me.

I believe in Heaven we will have work to do, but all the work we do will be centered around the deepest dreams we have. Here on Earth, if we were to use those dreams to glorify God, great things would be done. But in Heaven, great things will have already been done, and we will glorify God with all we are every day for forever. I always felt those dreams we have, for me it is writing, some it might be painting, others be singing, are there because, coupled with the spiritual gifts that God gives us, can be one of the greatest tools we have available to us.

For those who do not believe in God, Jesus, or anything like that, their hopes and dreams end in the heart of a graveyard, six feet under ground and dead. But for followers of Christ, our hopes and dreams never die because our real hopes and dreams are the same as Jesus'. We can read about what he dreams for us by reading the Bible. I think it'll be so amazing in heaven, working for the express purpose of giving glory to God.

While Heaven may still be a ways away, we should work daily to put Christ first in all that we do. When I started this blog, I intended to write about gaming, post my written stuff, and sometimes mention God. Little did I know, God would want to mix it up a little. So I want to take a moment and, before all of you, say that I give this blog to Jesus. It may never grow into something more than it is, but it will be here for a time when someone needs it. I hope that I someday see that.

So let's build our hopes and dreams on Jesus. Let's make them bigger and better for his glory. Let's cultivate them so when we do get to heaven, we will all be experts in our dreams and we all can sing in praise of our Lord. How great it is to know our  hopes and dreams are eternal.

The Resurrection

11 Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. 12 She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. 13 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her.

“Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.”

14 She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize him. 15 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?”

She thought he was the gardener. “Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.”

16 “Mary!” Jesus said.

She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” (which is Hebrew for “Teacher”).

17 “Don’t cling to me,” Jesus said, “for I haven’t yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

18 Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!” Then she gave them his message.

We have all heard this story some of us since we were born. But I want to just have you do one thing today. this is a short blog but I think it could be just as powerful as any of them.

Put yourself in Mary's place. Would you desperately ask everyone where they put Jesus' body? Would you turn and ask the person you thought was a gardener where he was? Most important, would you recognize him when he says your name?

Today as my dad read the scripture, when Jesus looked at Mary and said her name, I substituted my name for hers.

I turned to leave and saw a man standing there. He asked me, "Why are you crying? Who is it that you are looking for?"

Thinking he was the gardener, I said between my tears, "Sir, if you have taken him, please tell me where and I shall go get him."

He smiled softly and said "Brian." I then recognized my Lord. I fell at his feet, tears falling harder than before, trying to cling to him. "Do not cling to me yet, for I have not returned to my Father. Go find my friends and family and tell them, 'I am back and will ascend to our Father and to our God.'"

I ran from him in pure delight and joy, my tears of sadness replaced with overwhelming joy. I found the disciples and cried " I have seen the Lord." And told them what he had said.

That is how the story of the resurrection should be read to each of us.

Jesus > Loneliness, Anger, Hate

Lonely. It is the thing I feel the most. Lonely. It is something that plagues most humans out there at one time or another. Lonely. It might very well be the worst feeling ever. Lonely. It is what I feel right now, at the moment I wrote this sentence, I feel lonely, even though I have my friends in my headset. I feel lonely even though I know there are people out there that really love me. It really doesn't matter how often people tell me that they love me, care about me, or whatever, I still feel lonely.

I really have fought with the feeling of lonely for a very long time. One time a friend rudely asked me, "What the f*** is wrong with you, why are you always so angry?" It is a question I have often thought about. I think I would boil it down to lonely. 

Did you know that even Jesus felt lonely? And his lonely was nothing like the lonely I feel. It was simply way more than I could ever imagine or be able to bear. He felt the ultimate lonely when even his Father turned away from him. Only once, to my knowledge, has God ever turned his face from anyone, and that man was his own son. So I think Jesus knows a thing or two about being lonely.

But it seems so often that in the hardest moments in life, when we are at our loneliest, most hurt, and suffering more, we find how great our God is. It really doesn't always seem fair that we need to hurt to realize that, but if you look at the human nature, when things are good, we depend only on ourselves, but when we run into trouble, we reach out to our friends, Romans and countrymen... wait...

Picture found here.

I have been having a really hard time lately with my faith, with my life and with... well everything. I have been fighting so hard with the feeling that though God loves us, he doesn't care about me. I know this is not true, and I am trying to turn my life into being a real follower and being what he wants, but every turn I take, I feel more empty, more alone, and less loved. I have been feeling hopeless about my life and all I ever really seem to feel anymore is anger at everything. I am pushing my friends away, I am putting unneeded stress in their lives by this, and I just feel like I am going to break.

I recently took a weekend long class for church, if you know anything about the Methodist church, it was the lay servant classes. When I left there, I felt so horrible, I wanted to give up on anything that said it was Christian. I hated the name, I hated the people, and since then, I have felt nothing really but anger. I go into more details on this blog. Sure sometimes something else overshadows the anger, but it comes back again and again. I am not sure how much more I can take before I do end up breaking.

I want more than anything to feel wanted, needed and loved. But when I ask Jesus to love me, I feel he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I understand that this is false, and he wants me to be right next to him at all times. But how can I feel his love, when all I feel in me is anger. I want to let it go, but it holds on with an iron grip. Every time I think I have it pushed down, depression takes hold and eventually the anger rises back up.

Eventually I have no strength left, feel like I am about to die from the breaking, and I quickly try to hold on to anything that is good, in hopes that I will one day break free for good. I guess its kinda like the prison that Bane was in in The Dark Knight Rises. The light at the top of the hole gives me hope. But I guess that is what depression and anger is like the most, a big hole, and when we look up, there is Jesus standing there, with a ladder and smile. He looks down and says, "I never left. It was you who dug this hole. Come on and get out of there silly."

And then I come to this point in my blog writing and something in me feels better. There is a calm over the anger, a peace over the depression. There is however a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize how bad of a friend I have been, and how amazing my friends have been to me. They haven't given up on someone who more than deserves to be given up on. And then Jesus is right there, "See, I might not be able to hold you in my arms yet, but you better be sure I will send someone that can."

I feel better just writing this, maybe because my mind then focuses on Jesus, who I so often tend push to the back. I hope that I can keep Jesus in the front and center of my life. Because when he is there, there is peace and calm in every storm.

It is funny how Jesus shines brightest daily in the darkest parts of our life. Maybe that is why we are to die to ourselves daily to follow him. Because in that death, we are in darkness, and he is the only light that can kill it all for good. It makes sense that when we are at our most emotionally drained or physically broken state, we should reach out to the only person that knows exactly what you are feeling. I thank Jesus for all he has done and I hope I can be the man he knows I can become.