A Fear and a Cure

I have written before about my fear. It is a common fear shared by many. So though I might make light at my fear of the dark... get it light, dark? ...anyways, I am afraid of what could be out there, even if it is nothing. But the other day, I was lying in bed and I felt a rush of worry, almost a bit of dread wash over me. Something came into my head that scared me more than the dark.

The last few days I have had the though keep popping into my head. While I was listening to the sermon at church, while I am selling car parts, it even popped into my head while I was playing Minecraft. Even writing about it now, kind of makes me feel uneasy.

I am very much afraid of getting older. OK, I know someone out there just laughed as they read this. Why would you be afraid of growing up? No its getting older. My church is full of old people and as very sad it is to say, their numbers are slowly dropping because of death. Maybe saying of getting older isn't exactly the right thing, but its the best way I can think of to say it.

I like to think of myself as a rather smart person. I love to read and study whatever might be interesting to me at the time. I love to learn. I also love to do stuff. Exercise and work out, though to be totally honest with you, I don't do it much anymore, and by much I mean at all. The problem is, getting old means things hurt more, I already feel a rather dull constant pain in my knees. I don't want the pain to get worse, I saw what my mom had to deal with before she got both her knees replaced in her 40s. I don't want to lose the small useless information that I have acquired over the years.

But what it really all means, I don't want to get old because that means I am closer to death, and what if death does come, and I come before the Lord and he says "I don't know you." I am not too worried about the idea that there is no God at all. If there is none, and I die, then I just cease. I'm not worried about the thought that maybe we get reincarnated. Because if we do, then when I die, I just come back and do it again. What makes me so much more scared of the dark, is the thought, What if I die, and I let God down or worse. Showbread said it well when they sang:

"Now here I am, as I've grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts
Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I've done is in spite of myself
I’m not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom"

I love God. I do. I want nothing more than to make him proud of me. But what if in trying to make him proud, I get prideful and end up letting him down. What if that horrible part of me where the sin has taken its horrible hold on me, has kept me from really giving my whole to Him, and he just simply doesn't know me? That thought seriously scares me. I have even cried, praying to God, that he take these thoughts from me, that he holds me and brings me peace. Then he does just that.

Every time I have felt so bad that I am the worst of us all, God can't possibly love me, he holds me and lets me know, in his own quiet way, that he loves me. I still am scared of the thought of dying, and most times its only because I don't want it to hurt, but at least I have a God who will reassure me over and over of his great, amazing love.

An no time of the year is a better reminder than Christmas. Christians celebrate the birth of the assured hope, and the most amazing love there could ever be. Jesus might not have been born when we celebrate Christmas, nor all the things we do totally Christian around this time of the year, but that isn't what it is about. It is not about being with your family or the whole present thing, it is about receiving into your heart, the gift we really dont deserve, nor could ever earn, and embracing THE Family that it brings.

Christmas is about hope. Christmas day is not the end of the season, it is just the start. At least it should be. It should be the start of the single longest holiday season ever. We should be celebrating his Birth, life, ministry, all the way to his death on Good Friday and his resurrection on Easter Sunday. (I was going to call it by a better name, Resurrection Sunday, but it felt weird using resurrection twice like that. So bare with me on using Easter.)

Got the pic from this place.

So through the winter and into spring, we should be celebrating. Because during this season, God has given us all the reasons never to fear what might come when we die. Sure, because I am a mortal, (Don't let that get out.) I will still feel that horrible fear inside, as I worry about letting Him down. However, I can embrace the Truth and keep it close to my heart as a reminder when I am afraid.

It is OK to fear what comes after death, not too many people have gone to the other side and returned. It is an unknown to many of us and like the dark, it is the unknown that we are actually afraid of. If you keep Jesus ever by your side that when you do feel that fear, you can let the guy who single-handedly defeated death bring you a wonderful peace. Again, when that fear is creeping in, Showbread managed to say so well what it is like when Jesus is close by:

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen