Life is Hard

Sometimes, despite all I do, I can't help but feel sad, miserable, trapped, and depressed. Usually it is outside forces that dig at me, snide comments, or some that aren't even meant to hurt but they do nonetheless. Sometimes it's hearing someone lifted up, praised for doing some they do anyways, and not hearing the same words when you go out of you way, or are very proud about something and it goes unnoticed.

Sometimes it's an introspective thought and you find you aren't where you want to be, and maybe farther a way than you should be. Sometimes it's just the weather, or a bit of boredom, but regardless of the cause. When you get down to the feeling broken part it is hard to get a hand hold.

It makes me want to sell all I have, take a few things with me, and disappear into the night. Begin a new life as someone else. Pretend that I am someone else for a while. “Fake your death and only tell your closest friend." But reality kicks its way in and you realize unless you actually change who you are, you can't even pretend to be someone else for very long.

My mother always talks about how when she gets in front of people to give a message or whatever, she pretends to be a confident person. Puts on an air, pretends to be someone she's not. I guess I am not a good actor because this is hard for me. It's hard to hide my hurt when I hear that someone would go out of there way to help someone else reach their goal, when you are close to yours and they don't, or won't, help you out.

And I think this is the main thing that's got me down right now. I see others getting help, or succeeding in something, when I am struggling with the same thing, yet get no help or even a word about it. It has to do with fairness, which I do know the world is not fair, by any meaning of the word. The world is cruel and hurtful. It wants to knock you down each chance it gets. The world and the people in it do not care if you succeed in anything, and usually it seems they want to make you fail. 

YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, they show how the world wants to beat you down over and over again. You give an opinion, they smash it to pieces, call you names, make you feel like dirt. You feel good about something, someone always has to find a comment to hit you in the gut. This is a world where the only way to make oneself feel better is to belittle and hurt those around them. It is a world where entitlement is thrown around like a human right. Those who claim to want and fight for equality will stop at nothing until they are better than the next person. And the person who just wants to live their lives out quietly will be punished for being a coward, or people assume they are unmotivated, or aren't given a chance.

But occasionally you get a person that actually helps out and pushes you to the goal. Someone who encourages and builds even at their expense. I have one guy in mind who when he realized he would not hit his goal for the month, he helped me hit my goal. This is the kind of people we need more. Someone who doesn't think of themselves constantly. Someone who will sit back and take a look at the scene, will realize that life isn't fair, but is willing to help despite of the unfairness.

Guys, life is hard. Life outside of just living sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I want nothing more than to lay down and disappear. But I am going to keep plugging away at the impossible mountain that life is. Eventually there will be a tunnel through it or a path smoothed out up it, it might wind and twist, sometimes having to go down hill a bit, but I will either make it through it, or come out on top.