When I was younger, I was a much better Ninja than I am now. Not that I am not really awesome now, I was just even more awesome then. I used to be able to sneak my way into anywhere. My neighbor, Brad, and I went out once a week to see what we could break into.
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| An illegal photo of our ninja training grounds from 20 years ago. |
Brad and I walked along the side of the road dressed in dark faded black clothing. We heard a car behind us, so we quickly ducked into the ditches on the side of the road. We waited for the car to pass before we got up and continued the one mile trip.
Burton is a small town. It is a mile square and had a small park in the very center. The road coming in from the north held the school, couple of banks, and a small length of stores like you see in old movies of small towns. There are 3 crosswalks in a stretch of 100 yards, and people are still too stupid or lazy to use them. As a fair warning, since I got my license I will not stop for people not in a crosswalk when they are so close to them.
Brad and I walked past the store we were going for, and rounded the post office next to it. We scaled the top of the small building and crouched down on the side of the roof peering at Chaney's. At the time we saw nothing that looked like it would be hard to get into. We figured we would get in, take a drink or two for our hard work and get right back out, no one ever being the wiser.
From the roof we planned our entrance. I decided to get on top of the small grocery store and see if there was an access on top. If there was, I would enter from there and drop down into the middle of the store.
Brad decided to go to the "hard" way. He chose to go right through the front door. I thought it was stupid and rather not worth the risk. Burton did have a police officer who might be working that night. But Brad could not be persuaded. With our minds made, we moved.
I quickly jumped from the top of the building to a telephone pole. It was a hard jump with the pole being on the outer most of my range. But I managed to grab the bottom foot peg and climb up it. From there I threw my robe to the top of the building and tied the other end off on the pole. I swung myself up onto the rope and slid/walked down the rope. I had really good balance when I was younger.
From there I walked the roof and found a small access in it. I checked the hatch for any alarms or wires, finding none I opened it and went in. It lead down to the rafters above the drop ceiling. This was a piece of cake. Removing the tile of where I wanted to drop in, I tied a rope to the rafter, so I could get up easy if we had to leave in a hurry.
Brad had made his way to the front door and began picking the lock. He was good at that, much better than I was, since I had little patience for it. I would have rather kicked in the door. He had to hide once as a car turned around in the parking lot, but then was right back at it. With a little work, he had the door unlocked and had a magnet ready to attack to the alarm strip. He had the door open and the magnet in place quicker than the alarm had time to go off. Brad was always nice to work with on these things. Brad causally looked through the movies that they used to rent (Remember VHS?) and made his way to the isle of cold drinks.
I was sliding down the rope as Brad was walking up. I looked at him and nodded and selected two drinks off the shelf. Because of the anticipation of breaking in here, I was thirsty so I took a bottle of water and drank it. Then I took another bottle of a fruity drink and placed it inside an insulated pocket in my gear. Brad had taken two drinks as well, but I do not remember what they were. The we had decided to walk around the store a bit, maybe grab a Little Debbie or Hostess snack before we left.
That was when we heard the noise. It was the sound every ninja never wanted to hear. The sound of a large man's boot thumping on the ground with two knives sliding on each other. It was a threat much like that of a rattlesnake's rattle. Brad and I spun around to see a massive man wearing bloody white clothes walking toward us.
"Do you boys know who I am?" asked the giant of a man. He was only a few inches from the ceiling, and as big around as the double doors on the front of the building.
Neither of us said anything as we slowly moved into a fighting stance. We did not have weapons with us, since this was supposed to be an easy small town break-in.
"They call me the Butcher, because that is my trade. And now I have come to collect."
I stared at Brad then back at the Butcher. I mustered up as much courage as I could and said to him. "Hit me now and see where it leads. Cut me if you think I will bleed, and strike me down if you think you are a man. Cuz I know you don't understand."
He paused his forward movement for a second. He looked me in the eyes and all he saw was conviction. He dropped the blades to the ground. Then with a laugh he uncoiled chains that were around his arm. With a mighty swing, the blades came rushing at Brad and me. We engaged the Butcher.
We dodged, duck, dipped, dived and dodged attack after attack while hitting the giant of a man with our small fists. Considering we were only 14 at the time, and he was a giant, our hands did seem really tiny. We made repeated attacks in and out punching and kicking, trying to wear the man down. But each attack only seemed to make him madder.
After a little while, the fight began to feel like a dance. It was fluid, rhythmic, and peaceful. We circled, he swung, we dodged, he moved, we countered, he swung, we dodged. It was a pattern, and it was a relaxing workout.
The large man seemed to be getting tired, his attacks slowed, the rhythm slowed, but then we saw what he was doing. He had been moving slowly toward the frozen section. Next to the frozen section was the deli. Where he worked. Suddenly the man burst forward, with speed that broke laws of physics. He hit a bell on the counter and we heard movement in the back room.
Then through the door came a dog. It was a giant dog. What kind of dog was this thing and why would a butcher have a dog in the back with him. I jumped over the deli counter and looked for a few knives, I found two short ones, and tossed one to Brad. As a warning, never toss a knife at someone. Even if they are a Ninja, there is a very good chance they will grab the blade. Thankfully Brad did not. He was good with a knife.
As the dog got closer, we began our attack again, this time the rhythm moved between the dog and butcher, and instead of punches, we had cuts and stabs. We moved together as the blood began to pour from the dog and the butcher. Suddenly an alarm sounded outside. We turned as the doors were smashed open and robots began to pour in. I am not making this up. I have no clue who the owner of Chaney's was, but it was crazy. Brad and I found ourselves out numbered.
As we ran for the rope the robots opened fire. They were shooting at us with lasers.... No joke, they were small beams of light hitting the walls and causing things to burst into flames. As things got dustier we could see the beams better. Honestly at first we didn't know what was causing the things to catch fire until it got smokey and dusty. Then we could see them. Brad, being younger and with less training than I, started to freak out a bit. But being more mature and adult, I slapped him in the face and told him to get up the rope.
We quickly climbed/jumped up the rope and into the rafters. It was a short distance to the hatch and we crawled out onto the roof. Brad started to run to the front of the building, toward the post office, but I pulled him back and told him to run to the back into the woods.
That is a good example of how small our town was. There was a small stand of trees right behind the main drag then houses on the other side. We ran through the woods as fast as we could. I felt like I had lost grip on reality and I was inside a science-fiction story where robots, ninjas and giants coexisted.
On the other side of the woods, we saw clothes still hanging on the line. We ran over and found some pants and shirts that mostly fit us and changed into them. We hid our Ninja gear in a tree up toward the top, so even if these people had kids, they couldn't reach them with out having outstanding balance in the swaying branches.
We began walking down the street slowly making our way toward the circle. We pretend to talk about anything but if you really heard our conversation, it was a bunch of gibberish. We were pretty freaked out about the robots. This had been our first time, and one of the few that we had run into robots at all. If I had watched it, instead of living it, I might have thought it was really awesome. I hate robots.
Eventually we made it back to our houses. We didn't get much sleep that night, but we decided to just pretend it didn't happen. This is the first time this story has ever been told. We had agreed to take it to our graves, but I want people to know the real threat in the small towns they think are so quaint.
We went back to the store the next day with my parents to get something for dinner. You couldn't even tell anything out of the ordinary had happened. Brad and I looked at each other and laughed a little. We never went back as ninja's, but we had fun talking about it. I mean real robots with lasers. What more could a boy ever want in life?
The Ninja training picture is from littlegreenfootballs.com.
The robot with a laser is from http://skul4aface.blogspot.com. That is a cool picture.
The only conversation listed above with the butcher is paraphrased from a song by Project 86 called The Butcher.
Burton is a small town. It is a mile square and had a small park in the very center. The road coming in from the north held the school, couple of banks, and a small length of stores like you see in old movies of small towns. There are 3 crosswalks in a stretch of 100 yards, and people are still too stupid or lazy to use them. As a fair warning, since I got my license I will not stop for people not in a crosswalk when they are so close to them.
Brad and I walked past the store we were going for, and rounded the post office next to it. We scaled the top of the small building and crouched down on the side of the roof peering at Chaney's. At the time we saw nothing that looked like it would be hard to get into. We figured we would get in, take a drink or two for our hard work and get right back out, no one ever being the wiser.
From the roof we planned our entrance. I decided to get on top of the small grocery store and see if there was an access on top. If there was, I would enter from there and drop down into the middle of the store.
Brad decided to go to the "hard" way. He chose to go right through the front door. I thought it was stupid and rather not worth the risk. Burton did have a police officer who might be working that night. But Brad could not be persuaded. With our minds made, we moved.
I quickly jumped from the top of the building to a telephone pole. It was a hard jump with the pole being on the outer most of my range. But I managed to grab the bottom foot peg and climb up it. From there I threw my robe to the top of the building and tied the other end off on the pole. I swung myself up onto the rope and slid/walked down the rope. I had really good balance when I was younger.
From there I walked the roof and found a small access in it. I checked the hatch for any alarms or wires, finding none I opened it and went in. It lead down to the rafters above the drop ceiling. This was a piece of cake. Removing the tile of where I wanted to drop in, I tied a rope to the rafter, so I could get up easy if we had to leave in a hurry.
Brad had made his way to the front door and began picking the lock. He was good at that, much better than I was, since I had little patience for it. I would have rather kicked in the door. He had to hide once as a car turned around in the parking lot, but then was right back at it. With a little work, he had the door unlocked and had a magnet ready to attack to the alarm strip. He had the door open and the magnet in place quicker than the alarm had time to go off. Brad was always nice to work with on these things. Brad causally looked through the movies that they used to rent (Remember VHS?) and made his way to the isle of cold drinks.
I was sliding down the rope as Brad was walking up. I looked at him and nodded and selected two drinks off the shelf. Because of the anticipation of breaking in here, I was thirsty so I took a bottle of water and drank it. Then I took another bottle of a fruity drink and placed it inside an insulated pocket in my gear. Brad had taken two drinks as well, but I do not remember what they were. The we had decided to walk around the store a bit, maybe grab a Little Debbie or Hostess snack before we left.
That was when we heard the noise. It was the sound every ninja never wanted to hear. The sound of a large man's boot thumping on the ground with two knives sliding on each other. It was a threat much like that of a rattlesnake's rattle. Brad and I spun around to see a massive man wearing bloody white clothes walking toward us.
"Do you boys know who I am?" asked the giant of a man. He was only a few inches from the ceiling, and as big around as the double doors on the front of the building.
Neither of us said anything as we slowly moved into a fighting stance. We did not have weapons with us, since this was supposed to be an easy small town break-in.
"They call me the Butcher, because that is my trade. And now I have come to collect."
I stared at Brad then back at the Butcher. I mustered up as much courage as I could and said to him. "Hit me now and see where it leads. Cut me if you think I will bleed, and strike me down if you think you are a man. Cuz I know you don't understand."
He paused his forward movement for a second. He looked me in the eyes and all he saw was conviction. He dropped the blades to the ground. Then with a laugh he uncoiled chains that were around his arm. With a mighty swing, the blades came rushing at Brad and me. We engaged the Butcher.
We dodged, duck, dipped, dived and dodged attack after attack while hitting the giant of a man with our small fists. Considering we were only 14 at the time, and he was a giant, our hands did seem really tiny. We made repeated attacks in and out punching and kicking, trying to wear the man down. But each attack only seemed to make him madder.
After a little while, the fight began to feel like a dance. It was fluid, rhythmic, and peaceful. We circled, he swung, we dodged, he moved, we countered, he swung, we dodged. It was a pattern, and it was a relaxing workout.
The large man seemed to be getting tired, his attacks slowed, the rhythm slowed, but then we saw what he was doing. He had been moving slowly toward the frozen section. Next to the frozen section was the deli. Where he worked. Suddenly the man burst forward, with speed that broke laws of physics. He hit a bell on the counter and we heard movement in the back room.
Then through the door came a dog. It was a giant dog. What kind of dog was this thing and why would a butcher have a dog in the back with him. I jumped over the deli counter and looked for a few knives, I found two short ones, and tossed one to Brad. As a warning, never toss a knife at someone. Even if they are a Ninja, there is a very good chance they will grab the blade. Thankfully Brad did not. He was good with a knife.
As the dog got closer, we began our attack again, this time the rhythm moved between the dog and butcher, and instead of punches, we had cuts and stabs. We moved together as the blood began to pour from the dog and the butcher. Suddenly an alarm sounded outside. We turned as the doors were smashed open and robots began to pour in. I am not making this up. I have no clue who the owner of Chaney's was, but it was crazy. Brad and I found ourselves out numbered.
 |
| Robot with a laser. |
As we ran for the rope the robots opened fire. They were shooting at us with lasers.... No joke, they were small beams of light hitting the walls and causing things to burst into flames. As things got dustier we could see the beams better. Honestly at first we didn't know what was causing the things to catch fire until it got smokey and dusty. Then we could see them. Brad, being younger and with less training than I, started to freak out a bit. But being more mature and adult, I slapped him in the face and told him to get up the rope.
We quickly climbed/jumped up the rope and into the rafters. It was a short distance to the hatch and we crawled out onto the roof. Brad started to run to the front of the building, toward the post office, but I pulled him back and told him to run to the back into the woods.
That is a good example of how small our town was. There was a small stand of trees right behind the main drag then houses on the other side. We ran through the woods as fast as we could. I felt like I had lost grip on reality and I was inside a science-fiction story where robots, ninjas and giants coexisted.
On the other side of the woods, we saw clothes still hanging on the line. We ran over and found some pants and shirts that mostly fit us and changed into them. We hid our Ninja gear in a tree up toward the top, so even if these people had kids, they couldn't reach them with out having outstanding balance in the swaying branches.
We began walking down the street slowly making our way toward the circle. We pretend to talk about anything but if you really heard our conversation, it was a bunch of gibberish. We were pretty freaked out about the robots. This had been our first time, and one of the few that we had run into robots at all. If I had watched it, instead of living it, I might have thought it was really awesome. I hate robots.
Eventually we made it back to our houses. We didn't get much sleep that night, but we decided to just pretend it didn't happen. This is the first time this story has ever been told. We had agreed to take it to our graves, but I want people to know the real threat in the small towns they think are so quaint.
We went back to the store the next day with my parents to get something for dinner. You couldn't even tell anything out of the ordinary had happened. Brad and I looked at each other and laughed a little. We never went back as ninja's, but we had fun talking about it. I mean real robots with lasers. What more could a boy ever want in life?
The Ninja training picture is from littlegreenfootballs.com.
The robot with a laser is from http://skul4aface.blogspot.com. That is a cool picture.
The only conversation listed above with the butcher is paraphrased from a song by Project 86 called The Butcher.
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