Stacking the Jury

Do you think in the shower? I do. I find myself talking to myself about things a lot. Much like when I am trying to go to sleep. Speaking of sleep, did you read my last post about the little things God says to us in the dark? Go here and read it. And while you read it, click an ad or two and share it. Thanks :) Anyways, today, but not the day when you are reading this, I was talking to myself in the shower trying to think of what God is wanting me to write about today, I was thinking about salvation.

See for some reason, and I cannot retrace the steps it took to get me here, I went on thinking about our sins and what happens when we accept Jesus. Well we have been taught, at least I have, that when we are saved God erases our sins, wipes our slates clean, and we are new. God is a god of new. He loves new things. He told the Israelites He is doing a new thing.  In Isaiah God said "Now I am announcing new things to you..." And again God said "See how the former things have come true; and now new things do I declare." God loves new things. And again, God said "I create new heavens and a new earth." God loves new

So when we say yes to Jesus we are made clean, and we are, as Paul wrote, a new creation. So now that we are clean, holy, and finally able to be with God, I stopped to think, if we are clean, that means the taint of sin is no longer there. I was told by someone at sometime, God forgets our sins, they are put from his mind and are no more. So if our sins are no more, then what are we being judged for?

I have been taught that we have one life, death, then Judgement. We come before the throne of God and our judged. As Christians, we know that no matter how much good we do, it cannot make us good enough. Then I was thinking, what is it that we will be judged for. Not every man, but what are Christians judged for. If we are clean and have no sin now, then we cannot be judged for it. So what are we judged for.

What came to mind was that maybe we are not judged by our lives before salvation, but by the lives we live after salvation. Not the wrong that we do, but by the good we do not do. Even Paul struggled with this. In Romans 7:15 and 19 Paul wrote, "For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do." So I think we will be judged for the good we do not do.

I like to picture it like this; we will be sitting at a small table, the kind in coffee shops that can only sit one person, or two if they have nothing with them. It will be just you and Jesus. There might be a world of tables, but you will not see a single thing outside of Jesus. You will be crying. Jesus will ask you, "Why didn't you do this that I asked you?" Which he will show you, then he will show you what could have happened if you did this. And you will cry some more. Then He will show you the good you did do, and the greatness that followed it through the ages. You will cry some more. Then Jesus will say, "Hey, bring it in." And give you a hug that will instantly stop the crying, he will pull away just enough to take the hem of his sleeve and wipe the last of the tears from your face. You will now be home.

The judgement is going to be so personal, and it is going to hurt so much, but even though it does, God will take care of us still. I don't think God will even look at the stuff we did before we accepted Jesus because it simply does not exist to him anymore. But that might be one of the worst parts of it all. For the Christians who only accepted Jesus at the last moment, and truly meant it, They have nothing to be judged, yet they will also have nothing to be rewarded with either. For those who have been Christians their whole lives, we have our whole lives to be judged for. In this case, it is a matter of the first shall be last, and the last, first. We will have so much to go over, so many tears, it will hurt, and it will be filled with joy.

Good news there though, you are reading this and you have time still. God probably is not coming back tomorrow, but just in case, you have time to fix it. You can make it so that this point on there will be less and less things not done to go over and more things to cry tears of joy over. We have time.

Speak in the Light

I often lay awake at night, just as many people do. Thoughts begin to flow through my head as soon as the light shuts off. Things I need to do the next day, things that are bothering me. Thoughts about money, about the future. Things that are so far out of my control yet I still worry and feel sick.  I run through what might happen, what I might do, but it is of of little use because I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep. 

I think it is normal for us to think when the lights go off. A few reasons I can think of, like when before we were settled, when we lived under the stars in the dark with only a fire to keep darkness at bay, we had to be aware of things in the dark, things that could see us better than we could see them. The first fear of the dark. But also, it is a time when we are alone. Not all darkness are we alone, but when we are safe, in the dark, even if we are lying next to a loved one, we are alone in our heads. Sometimes I think our brains are scared to be alone, so they do what they can to not feel that way.

I like to pray when the thoughts are overwhelming. What I usually do is this, I run on and on with thoughts I cannot do anything with, then I start praying. This usually only lasts a few seconds at first, I begin talking to God, and trying to get out the thought, but then it comes back and I realize I am fighting with the thought again and not praying. Then I pray and try harder to keep my mind there with God until I fall asleep. I like the feeling, it makes me think that I am actually falling asleep with God's arms wrapped around me.

Sometimes though, as tonight as I write this, I hear a small voice talking to me. Maybe it asks me to read a bible verse, or see what the daily verse is. Sometimes it makes me think about the problems I am having, and how many more people are having them, and I can maybe give a small bit of hope to someone else who might be having the same issue, but writing about how God is enough. Tonight it was to read the lectionary. Two readings really stuck out at me, but I am going to only look at one right now: Matthew 10: 24-39

“Therefore, don’t be afraid of them, since there is nothing covered that won’t be uncovered and nothing hidden that won’t be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the light. What you hear in a whisper, proclaim on the housetops. Don’t fear those who kill the body but are not able to kill the soul; rather, fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s consent. But even the hairs of your head have all been counted. So don’t be afraid therefore; you are worth more than many sparrows.

 The thing that struck me the most here was verse 27, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the light. What you hear in a whisper, proclaim on the housetops." Sometimes as we lay awake in the dark, staring at a ceiling we can barely see (well I can't because I don't sleep with glasses on), worrying and yelling so loud that we drown out the whispers of God. We let fear of what might happen in the future creep in.

So often, for me, I get going on a thought, like mentioned above, about a problem, or something I noticed, or feel there is a fissure in what Christ wants us to be doing, and what we are doing. I have even talked to myself complete blogs that haven't and probably won't (because I have forgotten them) see the light of day. I didn't want to get out of the comfort of my bed to make notes, and I failed to listen to Jesus when he told us to "...Speak in the light."

Sometimes there is a lot of good in the darkness. As our brains are shutting down for the night, our walls that we put up daily, begin to come down. Walls that we use to block out God, so that we can do things our own way in the light. Walls that keep us from talking about Him to our coworkers, walls to hide ourselves from people who might want to harm us because we are followers of Christ. But once those walls are down, we can finally hear Jesus whisper to us. Telling us to jump headfirst into the sea. Telling us to write a blog, because we often complain that we have a hard time coming up with them... Wait that last one might just be me. God speaks in the darkness and he speaks in the light. God is speaking now, because he is always at work doing new things.

We fear living because we fear death. We fear sharing because we fear men. Yet shouldn't we fear of the one that created us and can destroy us? Shouldn't we fear not doing what He wants because we wall ourselves into a safe cave in our heads? Maybe it is time to step back into the light, back into the fire, and not be afraid of what might come, or what might never come, because we have a God who is near. A God who is in control. A God who is. God is doing new things right now, and maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who get to experience that new thing first.

Anger < Happiness

First I would like to start of with a huge thank you to all of you. The last post has become the second most viewed post on my blog. I don't know how many actually read it, and using free art might make more clicks, but regardless of all that, it still makes me feel good to see that many views. You are all wonderful.

As good as this feeling is, and as happy as it makes me, I have not been in a very good mood as of late. Partly because my knee has been hurting, but also because I just feel angry a lot lately. Some of the anger is targeted at certain things, some of it at nothing. And something I noticed with anger, is it often ends up walking hand in hand with depression.

See what I had noticed as every time I get angry, at whatever it might be, I hold onto it for too long, and eventually depression kicks in and I want nothing more than to disappear. It got me thinking, look at the people who are always in good moods. You know a few, those people you want to smack a bit because nothing ever seems to tick them off. They just have an overwhelming sense of forgive and forget. They don't linger on things that didn't go their way, they are always smiling and always positive.

I am not one of them. I have a really hard time being positive, but I notice when I stay in a good mood, I don't feel like I am hopeless. Being happy and being hopeful are two different things, but like anger having depression, happy seems to have hope. It is pretty hard to stay happy right now, especially if you watch any news. We are a country so divide right now, more than I think we might have ever been in the past 75 years. We yell equality and unity from our social media outlet of choice, yet purposely act the exact opposite. We complain things aren't getting done, yet we do not try to work together to do them. Why should I try to be happy, I should just stay angry. It is easier.

But I do not want depression, so I must find a way, despite what the world wants, to be happy. For me that happiness is in my friends, my puppy, it's in my family, and it is in the relationship I have with Jesus. Many times I have tried to find that outside of these things. I look for it in video games, trying to find a belonging, a home. Yet, I already have those. Like the Jews in the desert, I forget what really matters, who helps me, lifts me up, makes me stronger. I quickly turn around and try to make my own way.

We all need to find those things that make us actually happy. Where we can take our anger and put it away, shelve our doubts and lock up our feeling of lacking. I suggest you really take a look at Jesus. Not what the world is telling you about him, not even what the churches are telling you about him, but what He tells you about Him. I believe Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Not because I was told he was, but when I weigh in all of the things that I have researched, and the little understanding I have gathered of what makes the universe tick, I believe there is a God who set it all into motion, and when I study what Jesus said, what he did, I believe Him.

When I let go of all my anger, as hard of a time as I have doing that, Jesus quickly replaces it with happiness and right behind that comes hope. Hope for a brighter future for me, my family, my country, and my world. And with that hope I have more love I want to share. Maybe someday, there will be so much hope that the world will fill with love overflowing.

Team

Team, from the old English, family, company, band. From the Old Frisian line of descent. From the PIE root duek- meaning to lead. aqueduct; conduce; conducive; conduct; conductor; conduit; educate; education; introduce; introduction; produce; production; team (n.); tie

In today's world, team is used so often. In video games you join teams in combat or adventure in order to do something bigger than you can do on your own. In the work place, you join a team, again, to be able to do something bigger and better than a single person could. In marriage, it is often called teamwork as the man and woman unite and become one family. Sports have teams, horses have teams, even fans of stupid books about shiny vampire have teams.

As you read above team is family, team is a band of brothers and sisters, it is to lead, and that last bit I feel is too often forgotten in this day and age. Every team needs a single leader, one who brings the individuals together to be one assembly. Like a conductor of an orchestra, they take each part of the machine and build something that becomes so much more than the parts. But today it seems multiple people try to lead the same thing, bringing about a divide that often times is not able to mend. We are all striving to make a name, be the center, to lead, even when our character is not that of leader, but a follower, or an aid. Being a follower is not a bad thing, often times it is the followers who make the biggest impact for the team.

 Sometimes you might be called to be a leader, but not of a large team, maybe you specialize with a handful of people and still take direction from the leader of the whole. Sometimes the Team needs to be made up of smaller cells to accomplish what a larger group could not. 

I have been pretty lucky, for the most part, to be part of a team who do work together and help each other be better at my job. When all is working well in our team, we do very good, we hit sales targets, we succeed in all our goals, it sometimes we have hiccups that crack the solidness of our group. Not too often but those cracks that appear, when mended and healed, like bones strengthen the rest of us and we are better still.

But when I think of teams, I do not always think of church. I should be thinking this, and probably one of the first thoughts I have, because the definition of team fits exactly what the church should be. We introduce, educate, lead and produce family. We are one unit, working together, much like a body to spread Jesus to the whole world. 

Family, as the church is often called, is what we should be, but we are and best we are a blend family, dysfunctional occasionally , and at worst, a broken home. We fight among ourselves to be leaders, for control, and refuse to work together, to unite strengths of the many to make a single powerhouse.

A company, as the church is often seen by the masses, because some focus on money, raising money to do things they want, forgetting that if God wants us to do it, the money will be taken care of. Some view us as selling the gospel to the needy. Being compared to a company is not a bad thing always, we just need to watch which part.

Duek... What's that mean? Well above I quoted it meaning line of descent. And that part, though not really in the current word team, is the most essential part of the root. And a root it is, like a tree our roots leads us back to a line of descent back to the creator of everything. Adopted or not, we are part of the family of God. Regardless of denomination or the differences between Catholic and Protestant, if we are true followers of Christ, we are one family, one team, and one line of descent back to Jesus.

Jesus is also part of our team, so that we can go into the darkest places because there is a lot of good to be done there. He is our conductor and leader, he makes beautiful music with each of us, despite us being broken instruments. And he will make us into so much more, if only we allow him to work and lead us in all we do.

Life is Hard

Sometimes, despite all I do, I can't help but feel sad, miserable, trapped, and depressed. Usually it is outside forces that dig at me, snide comments, or some that aren't even meant to hurt but they do nonetheless. Sometimes it's hearing someone lifted up, praised for doing some they do anyways, and not hearing the same words when you go out of you way, or are very proud about something and it goes unnoticed.

Sometimes it's an introspective thought and you find you aren't where you want to be, and maybe farther a way than you should be. Sometimes it's just the weather, or a bit of boredom, but regardless of the cause. When you get down to the feeling broken part it is hard to get a hand hold.

It makes me want to sell all I have, take a few things with me, and disappear into the night. Begin a new life as someone else. Pretend that I am someone else for a while. “Fake your death and only tell your closest friend." But reality kicks its way in and you realize unless you actually change who you are, you can't even pretend to be someone else for very long.

My mother always talks about how when she gets in front of people to give a message or whatever, she pretends to be a confident person. Puts on an air, pretends to be someone she's not. I guess I am not a good actor because this is hard for me. It's hard to hide my hurt when I hear that someone would go out of there way to help someone else reach their goal, when you are close to yours and they don't, or won't, help you out.

And I think this is the main thing that's got me down right now. I see others getting help, or succeeding in something, when I am struggling with the same thing, yet get no help or even a word about it. It has to do with fairness, which I do know the world is not fair, by any meaning of the word. The world is cruel and hurtful. It wants to knock you down each chance it gets. The world and the people in it do not care if you succeed in anything, and usually it seems they want to make you fail. 

YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, they show how the world wants to beat you down over and over again. You give an opinion, they smash it to pieces, call you names, make you feel like dirt. You feel good about something, someone always has to find a comment to hit you in the gut. This is a world where the only way to make oneself feel better is to belittle and hurt those around them. It is a world where entitlement is thrown around like a human right. Those who claim to want and fight for equality will stop at nothing until they are better than the next person. And the person who just wants to live their lives out quietly will be punished for being a coward, or people assume they are unmotivated, or aren't given a chance.

But occasionally you get a person that actually helps out and pushes you to the goal. Someone who encourages and builds even at their expense. I have one guy in mind who when he realized he would not hit his goal for the month, he helped me hit my goal. This is the kind of people we need more. Someone who doesn't think of themselves constantly. Someone who will sit back and take a look at the scene, will realize that life isn't fair, but is willing to help despite of the unfairness.

Guys, life is hard. Life outside of just living sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I want nothing more than to lay down and disappear. But I am going to keep plugging away at the impossible mountain that life is. Eventually there will be a tunnel through it or a path smoothed out up it, it might wind and twist, sometimes having to go down hill a bit, but I will either make it through it, or come out on top. 

Deep Waters

If you know me, you know that I have been using the CJB version of the bible; That is, the Complete Jewish Bible. Now despite the name, which I am aware of some having issues with the "complete" giving a connotation that the Jewish Bible is not complete. But I am not here to talk about that. What I am here for is to talk about how it has given me insights and/or ideas that had not occurred to me before.

For example, pretty much everyone knows the Great Commission given by Jesus, but as a reminder,

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit." -Matthew 28:19

 When we think of baptizing, we always think of water. Well maybe not always as that my brain went directly to baptizing by fire, but you know what I mean. That is one of the big words for Christians. Heck whole denominations are based around it. Theologies and lives are centered around the water and how it should be done. But alas, I am not here to debate the merits of immersion, sprinkling, and whatever else there may be.

This verse also brings to mind a guy name John. Yep that crazy guy from the desert, wearing camel hair and eating locust and preparing the way of the Lord, "Behold He comes riding on the clouds, Shining like the sun at the trumpet..." There is an earworm for you, and also leaving off unresolved, I am a jerk. Anyways, John was called the Baptist because he was baptizing people. Very original name if you ask me...

In the CJB John is not called John, nor is he called The Baptist. He is called Yochanan. Yochanan is just John after translating it back to the Hebrew. I like the CJB because it uses easy (sorta) to pronounce Jewish names. Y'hudah for Judah, Yarden for Jordan, you might see a pattern with those J to Y's. They also do not use the word Baptist. John is Yochanan the Immerser. John would immerse the people who came to him in the waters of the Jordan River. Ding one for dunking. Wait...

So back to the verse in Matthew, Mattityahu in case you are curious, the CJB changes it up a little bit.

Therefore, go and make people from all nations into talmidim, immersing them into the reality of the Father, the Son, and the Ruach HaKodesh"

Ok, first of, Talmidim are disciples and Ruach HaKodesh is the Holy Spirit. But what got me was "Immersing them into the reality of..." I like that. So often someone might come to know Jesus, but while they are still young, we leave them to their own devices and they eventually stray away. Or we force too much onto them too quickly and they run because people are pushy.

But what if we were to immerse them. But let's ignore them for a moment. The bigger question I want to ask is this; What if we immerse ourselves in the reality of God? What if we actually let our day to day lives be filled with God. What if we learned to love like God does, give without thought of ourselves, and completely be like Jesus? If we were immersed in God, maybe we might not have a stigma about the Christian faith that turns people away.

How can we turn an eye to the homeless and needy, pretend they do not exist, if we were immersed in God? Being immersed would be every minute we are reaching out to God for direction and for peace. It would completely envelope our lives and we we might truly see God working.

In Isaiah (Yesha 'yahu if you were wondering) God was talking to Israel, "I am doing something new, it's springing up - can't you see it? I am making a road in the desert, rivers in the wasteland."

If we were immersed, we would be able to see this. We would see the roads laid before us, the rivers to rest by, this darkened world would be made a light and we could do everything God wants for us. But for now, most of us are not immersed, I know I always fight to keep my head above the waters, never fully letting myself go under. Stuck somewhere in remembering the past and living day by day, never really thinking of the future, nor of where should be, and where God has been pushing me. I am not immersed.

And it does get me thinking, what if I do let myself be fully immersed into the reality of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit? What would my life look like then? Would I be able to also immerse others as well? Would I have that wholly original name of The Immerser? I could. I keep praying that I will finally give in, and let go. I know his ways are so much better, but I do not want to let go of myself. So maybe I should just say, "I'm Diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I want to be, lost in the rush, tossed in the flow, in over my head I want to go." That is Steven Curtis Chapman by the way. And one more song quote here by Attalus, "Faith is leap, but its a dance, as soon as you hit the surface."

Sharing In Joy

I have this sadness in my heart sometimes. It comes from different things, but it feels the same way. One example of the feeling, is when someone shows me something they are very proud about, whether it was something they made, or they bought, it is something they are happy to show off. I look at the said item and I think to myself "That's dumb, why should I care about this?" Then when I look back I feel a small pang of guilt, but also a sadness in me. I am sure this has to do with my depression that fights its way up time and time again, and I kick it back down each time.

Interestingly it is the same feeling when I am on the other side of this. I just got something, and am excited about it, and then someone makes a comment that is not mean or hurtful, but more of a dismissive or sometimes even looking down on you because they do not agree with what you did.

For example, I recently bought a Surface Pro 4, which I am typing on at the moment of writing this. I was excited to get it and wanted to show it off to the couple people at work that might also like it. I wanted to show off some of the cool features it can do. I personally love this little tablet. But when I had it at work, someone made a comment, that might not have been condescending, but it sounded like it. I do not remember exactly what was said, but basically they made a comment about putting something like this on a charge just after paying it off.

Then I felt this regret type of sadness which is the same way I feel when I am not excited about something someone else is. I want to share in their joy, in my head at least, but because I am a bit judgmental of things myself, I have a hard time finding that joy. Because I am not a father, and who knows when I might be, I wonder how it is when your child runs up to you with a horrible looking picture, smiling and is so very excited to give you this thing. Will I feel this regret/guilt sadness when I think back about it, or am I going to treasure it?

I am sure I will treasure it. I have so many little treasures in my room from people or silly moments and yet will always have room for more. Like a little rubber ducky that my sister gave to me last time she visited. I have no need for a rubber ducky, but since it was black she thought of me, and now it sits on my desk. I look at it, I feel happy, and I miss my little sister. Shh, don't tell her.

I know in my heart, this is the feeling I should be having when someone brings up something they just have to have and are so excited about it. I want to feel happy and smile with them because they are happy. For me it is really hard to feel really happy for someone else sometimes. Heck its hard to feel really happy for myself most of the time, but I want to keep working on these things. It is a hard thing when we are stuck only in our heads. I want to share in the joy of the small moments, the happiness in the small things with the people I share a world with.

I want to fill my life up with more joy. Joy in my friends, in my family, so that there is no more regret/guilt in my life. I want to learn to be happy in all the small things and large things, the good things and the bad things. I think that if we allow ourselves to experience and share in the joy with each other maybe we can get a glimpse of what it could be like not being stuck inside this fleshy prison.

It is the season of joy after all. Where we stop thinking about ourselves for a little while and start thinking about others. While tracing the etymology of Joy around I found that it is from the PIE root of gau- meaning "To Rejoice" Rejoice literally means to be glad again. Joir meaning be glad, and the prefix re-, again. Maybe this season we can work on being glad again so that we can pass the joy and happiness to the next person and then the next.

Paul told us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Maybe we should really do this, open our hearts emotionally to each other so that maybe we can get a tiny, but more complete taste of what the Love of God is like.